Hey! You with the the Almanac! Put it down and no one gets hurt. We know you're up to no good with it.

Of course if you're a mur'kan terr'st from Texas we might do something but we certainly won't publicize it. No siree - that would just scare everyone with the truth and we don't want to do that, would we?

Yeah, okay, so Italian unemployment might be higher than ours here in the US, but that doesn't explain why this guy has so much time on his hands. This is one of his more impressive projects.

Kung Faux

It's always a good time when big pimpin' meets kung fu.

Microsoft figures out how to profit from spam. No, not by sending 100 million emails titled "Monster cocks in tight pussies xhgfj", but because "[spammers] would have to invest heavily in machines" all, of course, running Microsoft products. Meanwhile, others see in spam their muse.

Not sure I'd have reacted as calmly as this guy did.

OK, but where are the Deros?

This guy obviously didn't read yesterday's bonus item. He's my hero.

"I have a dream, brothers and sisters, to one day eat a Kentucky Derby winner." Thanks, Onion! (Bonus item: Drinking responsibly during the holidays)

Quick like a bunny now - what centenary was marked yesterday (Dec 17 2003)? If you said "the first manned, powered, controlled flight", take a candy from the jar at the front of the room. If you said anything less well-qualified, go stand at the back of the room.

My point (and I do have one) is this: various characters from around the world have legitimate claims to various parts of the record - the first powered flight, or the first manned flight, or combinations thereof (1, 2), but, at least in the opinion of Scientific American, what was significant about the Wright Brothers' equivocal success was precisely that it simultaneously embodied all three of the properties essential for practical flight.

The first non-Governmental supersonic flight on the same day by Burt Rutan's SpaceShipOne, a hot contender for the X-Prize, was a nice touch.

I've seen this item used before. If I recall correctly, the projectile goes all the way around the block and hits Wile E. Coyote in the backside.

Sure, GOAT is a big (and expensive) book. But this one is bigger. Much bigger. And much more expensiver, too.

Bloggity bloggity blog. So my mate Steve's girlfriend's name is Barbara Manning. I've just uploaded a whole shiznitload of stuff to my 'Pod, including some compilation CD's I'd never really bothered to listen to. One of them features an artist by the name of Barbara Manning. Both Barbara Mannings (Barbaras Manning?) are from San Diego.

So I'm reading the entry for Ms. Manning (the singer) on AMG and it mentions her obsession with baseball, and it namechecks one Dock Ellis, "the first man to pitch a no-hitter while tripping on acid" ("Ellis, D."?).

Intrigued (nah, make that astounded) I Google him and find his entry in the Urban Legends Reference Pages. Decide for yourself.

Sorry, no big pay-off - just an interesting little trail. But, there is a bonus item: Barbara Manning (again, the singer) is described in the opening paragraph of her AMG entry as "a little too spiky and odd to fit comfortably in the Lilith Fair crowd" - an odd mental image for someone who later collaborated with Seymour Glass as Glands of External Secretion to produce the album Northern Exposure Will Be Right Back", an album described by the good people at Trouser Press as both "a self-indulgent mess" and as "completely charming and engaging" in their review of the artist and her oeuvre.

I know you guys like your Macs, but how long would you line up in order to get into an Apple store? Not likely as long as these Tokyoans did at the opening of the first Apple store in Tokyo last month.

Onion(1) rips off Close to Home(2)?

1 - News snippet section towards the bottom of the page, issue dated 12/10
2 - Strip published 12/5 by Universal Press Syndicate

One of the links on the page Shaun linked to has the following link text:

>Asian gal poses
>Fappage ensues, kittens die
>God is angry now

and helpfully goes on to categorize the link as featuring:

>(Asian, Beautiful, Bigtits, Nicetits, and Posers)

This is cool for two reasons:
1) the terrific piece of haiku
2) use of the term fappage.

Freudian slip: when I read the headline on this story, I made the reverse Jim-Carrey-in-Dumb-and-Dumber slip - I initially read it differently.

Be careful when travelling with a fruitcake through Canadian airports. Who knows what might be in there...

For those of you too lazy to wank (Reprobates passim), you can now also be too lazy to find your own porn.

This says it all...

Go to Google
Enter "miserable failure" as the search terms
Hit I'm Feeling Lucky

Enjoy.

Misthought lyrics...

Head like a hoe
Blanquette de veau
I'd rather die
Than give you Cointreau

Just to follow-up on the Donkers stituation... you can read up on all the good First Christian Fellowship for Eternal Sovereignty info here. I don't have the time to point out all the silliness in this thing. There is the usual Social Security Number as the Mark of the Beast... a good read.

Ohio police interfere with natural selection

"Catherine Donkers, 29, was nursing her baby daughter on an Ohio highway while driving at 65mph. She said she did not stop because she was talking on the phone to her husband and taking notes on the steering wheel. ") Don't worry, though, folks, she has a good reason for this - she's an idiot!

"Donkers, who was driving from Pittsburgh to Detroit at the time of her arrest, was also found guilty of driving without a licence and failing to comply with officers"

Buit seriously, folks - she's not just an idiot, she's a religious idiot, so that makes it OK. Get this:

"Donkers and her husband are believed to be members of an organisation called the First Christian Fellowship for Eternal Sovereignty which instructs that the husband is the head of the family and a wife can submit to punishment only from him. "

Well, err, umm, there are parts of that edict that sound fine to me, but I digress ...

Here's the kicker:

"'When I haven't done anything wrong, why would I... sacrifice my principles?' she told local radio, adding she felt her civil rights had been violated."

I ... I'm speechless.

So now he thinks he's JFK?

If this continues, we'll soon see that halfwit standing in front of an audience, bumbling his way through the some of JFK's more memorable soundbites, as only he can:

"Don't ask what our Unitered States of North America can do for you, what's important here is what it is that it can do for, uhh, ME"

"I want to go ... I mean, I want other people to, uhh, go to this country's great state of The Moon in this century or so, and do a bunch of other things, because they are easy and because they are hard, uhh, because they ARE hard and NOT easy, and not because ... umm, because they'll get me re-selected!"

If he really wants to make like JFK, let me make an offer here - if you can get him to tour Dallas in an open-topped limo, I'll gladly do the rest.

This guy is to erotica what Dubya is to the English language in general.

"Death of Man Beat by Cincinnati Police Ruled a Homicide", reads the headline, but the sub-head reads "Coroner Says Ruling Does Not Necessarily Mean Officers Used Excessive Force". Huh? The malformed past tense in the headline notwithstanding, I'm not sure how these two concepts can both be true at the same time.

Either way, and as egregious as the story itself is, the item that really caught my eye in the text was the mention of "fry sticks". Fry sticks are apparently - get this - marijuana-laced cigars dipped in PCP-laced embalming fluid.

To quote Keanu Reeves in his role as Neo - "Whoa".

This news item from back in January (not sure how I missed it back then) raises some interesting questions:

How do you get change for large denominations?
How does it work if I want to pay-at-the-pump?
Do transactions that are settled this way still allow me to collect the Green Shield Stamps, or get my free glass?

If you're ever stuck for something to do in the UK, this site has plenty to offer and some great online reviews like these. Warning: moderately NSFW.

Ipod's dirty little secret.

Ever eat someone, only to regret it later? This guy (yes, him again) did.

We've all been in those situations where fuck off just won't do, haven't we? Sadly, it seems that English swears have lost their impact lately. Well, when you need something with some zest, some power, some real force just look here.

Gotta love those crazy Russians

Reprobates upgrade!

We now have a way to collect your reprehensible comments on the posts, as well as a way to link to posts in the blog.

Enjoy.

Before you can become a scammer, you need to choose your mark. Experience shows it's best to choose people who are stupid and greedy. No, not those guys. How 'bout, say, other scammers?

Daddy, where does meat come from? Well, I know that bacon is made this way. And I think meat, in general, is made this way.

What I particularly like about this review of the Icelandic band Mum is the section on beard-scratchers:

"You know the beard-scratchers. It's a sub-category of music fan that bleeds into all genres, but seems to gather at electronic music shows featuring skinny, articulated men on stage, keeled over sampling units and PowerBooks. And as the man on stage continues to build his bed of white noise, stopping occasionally to scream nonsense into a microphone, or bring someone from Norway or Germany onstage to blow incomprehensible noise into a series of horns, the beard-scratchers will nod their heads and chat to their friends about their latest "project." While the beard-scratchers have certainly extended the careers of many the experimental music artist out there, their counterfeit appreciation of music – which is essentially grandstanding to determine who's the hippest, most "down" cat in the room – can tarnish the work of an electronic-based band that's actually worth the money. Luckily, it was too hot for beards Thursday night."

Here's another great usage of the term in context:

"I hate Radiohead, I hate them as people, I hate that fuckin' beard scratcher and his crew of intellectual stuff-stuffy-cuntfuckin-twats, but the new album sounds like it could be the best they've ever done. "

I used to think this page listed some great resources for provoking the heck out of religious dimwits, but these documents here and here do just as well, and they have the benefit of irony.

Of course, that irony is most likely lost on those who most need to hear the messages contained therein ...

Sex advice from an old lady and new olympic sport Pelvic Power Lifting

So that's how they do it.

... and much hilarity ensues ... (thanks John)

So here's the plan:

We take this item (submitted by Paul - thanks), get this item extended to super-human lengths, we bundle them together for $299, advertise them in Cosmo, and make a fortune!

I've worked for managers like this.

Apologies all around for not having posted in a long time. The wife and I are moving, so there was the purchase of a house and the sale of a house, and we are actively planning for the arrival of the first of our progeny.

But, having read the following article, I could not pass up the opportunity to share.

You may remember this article that was posted a while back. Well, turns out, whales are not the only aquatic animals that can get a case of the vapors. While I prefer them in wine sauce, it seems as though these guys are busy fouling up the waters. Similar to some co-workers of mine, it seems like they are just talking out of their asses.

Shoulda stuck his head down there instead ...

It's the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine.....

And you thought we were just all crazed doughnut-eating hockey fans. Well...true, we are. But we're also world champions!

Can someone loan me a few bucks? I saw this mobile hydrogen generator on ebay that I want to pick up for the new house. You never know when some H2 will come in handy. I just hope they include information on cracking "H2 O" from water. That sure sounds complicated!

Speaking of my new house, anyone who will be in the DC area Nov 8th is welcome to come to my housewarming party. E-mail me for directions, etc if you can make it. Even those who don't lend me a couple dollars for the H2 generator are welcome - no hard feelings.

You've all seen the entertaining offshoots of those annoying motivational posters. Well, here's a new take on 'em.

A bolt from the blue. You'd think that the assistant director would take the hint after the second time.

Here's a touch of what you might call, irony. Pamela Anderson, in her role of PETA spokesperson, is speaking up on behalf of chicken welfare across North America. She wants chicken growers to stop using growth hormones, which results in (among other things), artificially larger breasts.

AIIEEEE! It's the Pope, and I've got the fear! A bargain at only $987

Of course, if they're dead, their identity is that much easier to steal. It's not a problem though, as apparently only 0.03% of passports issued are fraudulent. But, hang on a minute, that's 1,500 a year!

1st rule of identity theft - don't steal anyone's identity whose reputation is worse than your own.

You do'nt need to put the lterets in a wrod in the creocrt order for tehm to be elasiy uendsrotod so long as the first and last ltteres are ceorrct, or so it is cmliaed. Th'eres also a naet riuftatoen of tihs cilam dinog the rudnos on the 'net. And hee'rs a tool you can use to try it for yulosref.

In a surprise development, Serbia beats out Iraq and Kentucky in the FIDA championships ...

It happened with VHS, it happened with the 'net, and it happened with cell phones.

OK, I'm running a sweepstakes on how long it'll be before some enterprising individual starts releasing porn in this format.

Two states are bickering over a land grant enacted by King Charles I to Lord Baltimore in 1632. Does anyone else find just a hint of irony in this, given that whole War-of-Independence thing? American citizens forced to live by the laws of a defeated former oppressor, a foreign sovereign nation, and a known nuclear power to boot! Quick, I'd better alert the President. Needless to say, the Governator would not stand for this kind of foolishness. He'd send a cyborg back in time to kill the infant King Charles I.

Many Western celebrities would never make crass, stupid commercials, right? Well, not if they thought their main fanbase would see them. Now, thanks to the Internet you can.

Can't afford a real iPod? How about one of these? Or this?

Need to communicate. Don't bother with Esperanto or any of those other useless languages. Learn Trouser Semaphore.

Is anybody available to help me with an engine swap? The 5.8L V8 in my Bronco is a bit underpowered compared to one of these things.

Optical illusions. Some worked better than others for me. Your mileage may vary.

Can't get no satisfaction? (Even with Shawn's, uhm, devices) Perhaps you should move up north.

Oh and this just seems like an episode of Ren and Stimpy.

Bloggity bloggity blog. You can tell I'm busy this afternoon, but what I can't tell is why the guy on the right in the picture hasn't either shot the other guy in the nuts or the head. I wonder if you get a lifetime guarantee with one of these...?

I think this guy has Cthulhu's head in his mouth, but I can't be sure. Hurrah for beards!

OK how lazy can you get? Too lazy to cook? Too lazy to dress? Well, now you can even be too lazy to wank.

And you thought you were getting f'ed by money.

Shaun's bum post reminded me of an old Reprobates standby - our good friends at Grupo Industrial ARSE in Mexico, but (butt!) who are not to be confused with the company whose web site can be found at http://www.arse.com.mx which is a clothing manufacturer called Grupo TRUENO (pronounced "true ano") ...

Hey look they found Nemo!

I'm not sure if I'd prefer the Bum Song ("My bum song's gone a bit squeaky" "He likes his bum song low and laid back"), or the Bum Jolly ("Have you seen my bum jolly?" "I'd like a stiff bum jolly please" "Why don't you have a go on my bum jolly?"). I think Jolly. Clicky http://www.bum.it/, enter and select products.

Every age has its dickheads.

You gotta be careful with text messaging. It can lead to this, or it can lead to this.

This list is cute, I suppose, but they missed a few:

10. You're a missionary? No way! That's my favorite position!
9. What's this bracelet mean? It stands for "Who Would Jesus Do?"
8. Give me ten minutes and I can have you screaming "Oh, Jesus, I'm coming!"
7. Woman, get on your knees and pray. Oh, and while you're down there ...
6. Second coming of Christ? That's nothing. You should see my third ...
5. You can call it "the holy trinity", I still prefer to think of it as a three-way.
4. Which is your favorite? Old Testicle, or New Testicle?
3. I am the Shepherd. Lay thyself down and my rod will comfort thee.
2. Christ died for your sins. Let's make it worth his while!

and the number one "Christian" pickup line they missed ...

1. Hey good lookin'. Wanna play priests and altarboys?

What happens to the other 60%, Professor Blakemore?

The Man in Black has cashed in his chips. If you need me, I'll be in the bottom of a whiskey bottle.

Last week's Onion? It blew. This week's? Pretty good ...

I think we all know people like this, for example.

Those of us old enough to remember the glory days of Acorn & Sinclair (Timex in the US, oddly enough) have oft lamented that it's phenomenally hard for beginners to learn how computers REALLY work at a low level these days. Back in the day, we had widespread access to cheap'n'cheerful hardware with 8-bit CPUs and 64K of RAM - and an assembler, and hobbyist books, magazines and user groups to support us. Consequently, many of us grew up writing Z80 and 6502 assembler code, or, if we were lucky, PEEKing and POKEing our way through "low memory" with BASIC to see what we could make the machine do.

These days, I don't even know who produces an assembler for whatever x86 or PowerX chip is in our sleek, desktop machines (Metrowerks, maybe?) - and I wouldn't know where to begin if I wanted to actually do some simple graphics ... WinOpenHandle() this and WinRefreshBuffer() that ... eek. You could make these machines do SOMETHING visible by saying:

10 PRINT "HELLO, WORLD"
20 GOTO 10

RUN

(and if you wanted extra points for style, you could throw in a CLear Screen instruction at the beginning)

So, in the light of all this nostalgic wistfulness, I found the following statement very interesting: "Our goal here is to teach electrical engineering and low-level, highly optimized programming". All this, and hardware too, for a projected $99.

It's almost enough to make me want to commandeer the small TV from my mum's bedroom and get coding again ... almost.

Have you ever had one of those days when you just want to crawl inside a beer barrel for a while?
Well, thanks to your good friends at Guinness now you can! You could even live there if you want.

Opener sold separately.

Hey Joe, what did you end up doing with that old truck motor you had out back?

Don't worry, there is nothing to fear. We still have a decade before we are all dead. Its probably a good time to start a mean drug habit.

Got stuff you always wanted to know but couldn't find anyone bored enough to ask? Your prayers have been answered. Can I get an amen?

Airplane in a hailstorm. Enough said.

Ohmigod ohmigod ohmigod - Lego, and cranes, and Lego cranes ...

My first reaction to this site was "hey, guys, what about suspension of disbelief?", but then it hit me - the state of physics education (I was about to say "state of science education" but then I remembered that all science is either physics or stamp collecting) is so woeful that most movie goers experience no disbelief in the first place - people really do believe that bullets explode in a flash of light and a shower of sparks when they hit a solid object, that cars always burst into flames following any kind of impact, and so on, because they've seen it in th'movies.

Besides, you can prove to yourself how bad the state of physics education really is - right here.

OK Arnie was weird, but actors have become politicians before. A 26 year-old girlie software engineer from Veritas, though? Still, the campaign merchandise is different...

Eek! Let the airbrushers and tattyshoppers do their work, I say.

Something for your PC that's not too PC, if you catch my drift. A study in the dynamics of fluids in bags.

We do it. Dogs do it. Cows do it so much it pollutes the environment. And it seems that whales do it too...

What really makes this is the picture. You couldn't stage this any better if you tried.

Sure, the idea of using Google to find obscure trivia such as "average mass of one cubic meter of planet Earth" is familiar. But using Google to calculate the average mass of one cubic meter of planet Earth is new.

Check it out - it's very cool. Although the documentation is sparse, a little experimentation shows, for example, that it also handles complex numbers, for example.

I haven't had this much fun with a calculator since ... well, I'd rather not go into that.

Are these guys a satire in the spririt of the Landover Baptist Church or are they for real? If you figure it out let me know. Scary stuff either way.

Time to retire, perhaps. Software developers are only going to get paid peanuts from now on.

After much (gut-churning) speculation and internal debate, I have come to the following conclusions about Shaun's Nullo posting.

After the initial shock of revulsion at the sheer physical violation, I realized that the thing that bothered me more was the relationship angle.

I've also not discounted the possibility that it's a piece of creative fiction - call me a skeptic, but although I can buy the castration scene, the penectomy I just don't think could have gone down like that. I don't see how one person, working under non-sterile conditions, without the capability to administer general anaesthesia or a blood tranfusion, could have done that ... operation ... and for there still be a patient alive to tell the tale. I don't buy it.

And if you have incontrovertible proof that it did happen as stated, kindly keep it to yourself.

Hunting for Bambi? Hoax.

You think your DR site is safe? Well, these guys think your data is as secure as an ech-a-sketch and have a better place for your off-site backups. Way off-site.

Nullo. Warning: don't read just after eating, you could lose your lunch(box).

You have to wonder about a researcher who's trying to figure out who downloads illegal porn, and who says:

"People don't tend to suspect young people of doing this. 

 You get a young, attractive, virile 25-year-old man. 

 Nobody's going to look at them and suspect them."

To which I say: Huhwha? What planet does this person live on? Ah - now it's clear.

So if you were inviting Prince Charles to your city for a cultural festival, what statue would you put up. Perhaps one of a giant man ejaculating into his own mouth? Surely you'd reserve that for Prince Philip...

Thanks to Ian for this one by the way: A hat for W. Which brings me to my next point: The ongoing grudge match between Saddam Hussein and George Bush Sr. has resulted in the death of the former's sons. Here's the kicker: do you think we could get Saddam to do the same for us?

Seems "keepin' it real" and projecting an image of living the "thug life" is great - until someone mistakes you for a thug ...

Microsoft's ingenuity at engineering enormous security holes into the most innocuous-seeming operations never ceases to amaze me. What particularly impresses me, though is not the cleverness or subtlety of the flaw - it's a simple buffer overrun, guys, nothing elaborate - but the fact they were able to allow this flaw to be exploited by playing a MIDI file. Wow.

Microsoft: What do you want to blow today?

Ungrateful little bugger. He's right, though...

To pour oil on troubled waters, or not to pour oil on troubled waters - what does the BBC think Mr Blair was trying to do? (listen carefully at about 59 seconds into the video clip)

But it's been in someone else's mouth!.

It's not very funny, it's not very well done, it's certainly not erotic (at least, not to me, your mileage may vary), but once you see the URL, you'll probably visit it any way out of curiosity just like I did:

FatChicksInPartyHats.com

Friends help you move, and real friends help you move a body, but Zimbabwean friends will rent you a body.

We have a great story breaking in the UK right now. On the 29th of May Andrew Gilligan, a political journalist, reported that No. 10 Downing Street staff had "sexed up" the intelligence presented in the now infamous "dodgy dossier" in BBC Radio 4's renowned Today programme. In a followup report in the Mail on Sunday, he stated that his source, a senior British official, blamed Alaistair Campbell, the PM's director of communications for inserting the claim that Iraq's WMD could be brought to bear in 45 minutes. On the 8th of July, after much bitter wrangling between the Government and the Beeb, the MoD announces that one of their officials - Dr. David Kelly - has stepped forward as having spoken to Andrew Gilligan. Gilligan later denies that Dr. Kelly was his main source, and does so in front of a commons select committee investigating the dossier. Yesterday, Dr. Kelly is reported missing. This morning, he turns up dead in the woods. Nobody thinks this is a conspiracy. Least of all anybody with a copy of Photoshop (that's Alaistair Campbell, btw).

How Lois & Clark should have ended up.

Followup to Dave's post: maybe it's here.

Ever want to live out your Tron fantasy? You may soon be able to...if you have $250,000 to spare. And you can do it at nearly 400 mph.

Competitive typing (for type-A's, geddit?)

I don't know. Did you lose something?

Scared shitless?

Food with attitude

David St. Hubbins once said: "I know what the Stonehenge monument looks like. We don't have that piece of scenery anymore." I'm not sure this is what he was talking about. Come to think of it, I'm not sure I see the resemblance ...

Couldn't they just tell Dubya that "brothel" is the Kiwi word for "soup kitchen"?

Chugga-chugga

Not mentioned in this article were some other unneeded things the Danes sent to Iraq:

• NBC suits


• chemical-weapons disposal systems


• lead-lined radiological containment vessels

The Onion, as regular readers will know, is one of my favourite sites - pretty consistently funny, waaaaaaay politically incorrect, and just an all-around good site. Rarely, however, do you see an item like this, one that comes so far out of left field, I can only say - what were they smoking? And further more - where did they get it? (PS: this infographic is pretty good, too)

Updated the blog template to get rid of the annoying "edit" links - test post to see if it worked.

"Don't make me horny. You won't like me when I'm horny. "

Stupid technology

if you are reading this then, my phone made an xml rpc call to the blog.

Bilderbergers. Mmm .... burgers ....

Take three random words, say: "dead", "pig" and "boat".

Now, put them together, and what have you got? A dead pig boat!

Spot the difference:

Cthulhu	Octodog

Don't know how long this will continue to work, but:

Go to Google, type in "weapons of mass destruction", and hit "I'm Feeling Lucky"

Even the Aussies have noticed ...

"Life imitates art", they say. Well, ConsumerFreedom.org (basically an advocacy group for the "bad for you" industries - fast food, alcohol, tobacco, etc,) certainly imitates The Onion.

Strongbad = Funnyshit.

Obscene Interiors: Hardcore Amateur Decor (Surprisingly, safe for work. More or less. Depends where you work I guess)

Any of you in the UK a more regular blogger? A friend of mine would like to interview you for the Daily Mirror if you blog on a more or less daily basis, especially if you have your own. To quote her:

"All I would need is a 30 minute phone chat, questions to include who are you, what do you do, why did you get involved in blogging, how did you go about it, why is it so important to you etc. We'd then need to send a photographer to him or her and get a shot of them in their blogging headquarters"

If you're interested, mail me here

Think your rice-mobile is the dog's danglies? Not without these it's not...

Not so much a case mode as a whole room mod. This guy's linked 9 pc's and 13 monitors together just to play flight sims.

My cousin Nick just sent me a copy of "Dirty Fan Male". Trunk Records, publisher of said item, have amassed some interesting links in the "toy" area of the site. Check 'em out.

More casemods, this time from guys who not only have no social lives and too much time on their hands, but they also seem to have some real skill with fabrication and design.


Sphere (auto-translated from Japanese)

Pyramid

No idea what to do for a holiday next summer? Why not take a cruise with Face from the 'A' Team?

Not had your yearly fill of exploding microwave ovens, shattering CDs, magnetically launched projectiles and other high-voltage stunts? Well, these guys are here for you.

Occurring at a mall near you...

- "We're sorry, but we can't rehire you because there's already too many Filipinos working here."

- A manager pointed at a poster of a blond-haired, blue-eyed male model and said the store needed more staff members with a similar appearance.

- A line of T-shirts that showed two slant-eyed men in conical hats and the slogan "Wong Brothers Laundry Service -- Two Wongs Can Make it White."

Is it "casual classic American lifestyle" or simply a pack of racists?

Re: this item. We have a bunch of jackasses in the White House. Is that why it's been raining so much here on the East Coast?

I have only one question about this item: when are they going to get around to treating the rest of France? And the French, for that matter?

non se·qui·tur (nn skw-tr, -tr)


n.

1. An inference or conclusion that does not follow from the premises or evidence.
2. A statement that does not follow logically from what preceded it.

Example: Damn those Montenegran water-polo hooligans

Sure sounds like an interesting way to convince lots of people to install keystroke logging software onto their PCs. Then, someone with access to this central server could search for things like URLs for bank accounts or retail websites and sift through the keystrokes to find usernames, passwords, PINS, and credit card information.

Or maybe I'm just paranoid.

Huh? Does anyone see any point to this? At all?

If this had involved, say, Bernard Manning, I could have understood it.

If only this happened in real life. And went further. Much further.

The unfortunate URLs saga continues. Sadly, these sites aren't what you'd think:

http://www.powergenitalia.com/
http://www.gotahoe.com/

"... with the exception of certain celebrities and politicians, statements like Chipper's are almost always made by talking animals, superheroes, omniscient narrators, anthropomorphic trains, wandering magicians, friendly dragons, sentient heavenly bodies, Jesus, and other characters subject only to the rules of narrative causality"

A tasty update to the somewhat less interesting periodic table of the elements as baked up by a new coworker of mine.

I would have thought that the Falcon was the coolest case mod I'd seen yet to date, until I saw this... I think this guy needs to get laid (even!) more than the Falcon guy.

My childhood can best be defined by listing the things I did not have. I did not have any toy guns. I did not have any toy weapons, period. I did not have video games or a video game console, although I consoled (good pun, I think) myself by abusing Ataris and Nintendos at my friend's houses. I did not have a computer, although there were a few years in which I busied myself with a TI-99/4A. And, I continued my practice of abusing things that belonged to my friends, although I did much less "damage" playing Zork on an Apple IIE and dialing up BBSes on an old Wintel clone than when playing Pitfall or Contra.

So, in the cruel world of childhood politics, in which the winners are those with the best toys, why would anyone be my friend? It helped that I had the foulest mouth on the block. But, it also helped that I had the coolest Star Wars toy ever made...the "full-size" Millenium Falcon. You could seat Chewie and Han in the cockpit and stuff Luke and the ambiguously gay robot duo in the back. Over time, Star Wars figurines were not enough to entertain me and the Falcon. Many a GI Joe got to ride on the Millenium Falcon before facing an inevitable firecracker death in my neighbor's yard.

Why all the reminiscing? My memories were sparked by this awesome casemod. I have neither the time, the patience, nor the understanding wife to do something like this, but at least I can enjoy reading about it.

Dude, the folks at Blogger might have done a good job on the new UI, but the mechanics still leave something to be desired. I've got four posts sitting around since Friday that have not showed up on the actual published site yet. In fact, I'm just writing this message to see if this one will actually get posted and published.

Lord knows I've been associated with some buggy-ass software, but I always wanted to give the stuff a good strong round of testing before foisting it upon my clients. Reprobates could be the only blog with problems, but I doubt it.

UPDATE: Old posts have posted...but some bugs still remain...

For some reason, the three postings I made earlier today are simply not showing up on reprobates.blogspot.com. I don't get it. And blogger.com must be having some problems as well now since the XML keeps puking every time I try to get to the Discuss pages.

Another prank for today. This is from a good friend of mine and one of the people that convinced my wife and I to buy a Prius.

This one is a real shocker. 80,000 volts...in a jacket?

I really enjoy silly little pranks. And they are doubly satisfying if they exploit weaknesses in the systems that manage our everyday lives. This one is the next on my list of things I must see for myself. It will be so much easier to just sign with a grid from now on.

Well, when you're a small, midwestern Canadian city who has lost your prime source of entertainment (in the form of a once-proud NHL franchise), your winters are brutal, and you have such a problem with mosquitoes that you have a city-sponsored bugline, there's not much left to promote tourism. What better idea than to make Homer Simpson an honorary citizen? D'oh!

This is just so wrong on so many levels:

1. Insurance? Against your husband leaving you?
2. For becoming ugly?
3. As judged by a panel of builders?

I wonder what she did with the money ...

What every office needs (especially mine) is a good, solid, offensive office linebacker.

Got a sick kid? Wonder what'll cheer them up? Try a soft toy...

Last week, I had the luck to get "invited" to work the NDIA show in Baltimore. More specifically, I represented my company by trying to explain biometrics, RF tags, and wireless technology to government bureaucrats and blue shirts (rank and file of the Coast Guard) for 10+ hours straight. It wasn't all bad, though.

After having discussed mobile apps with one blue shirt in particular, he invited me to come over to his booth to play with the toys he was showing off. About an hour later, I was looking through the sight of a shotgun, having a chain gun targeted on my chest, and taking a look at this. Afterwards, they handed me a pretty neat giveaway.

And, only a few booths away from where I was working, was this beautiful thing. It was just sitting there, all alone, begging for some attention. I looked for a price sheet or an order form, but I couldn't find one.

They speak English in South Africa, right? To quote Inigo Mantoya - "You use this word a lot. I do not think it-a means what you think it-a means".

I'm sure it's not 'cool' to admit it, but I have followed Amazon's product recommendations on music several times ("People who bought this bauble you just looked at also purchased the following gewgaws ...") and the results have usually (though not always) been rewarding.

As a result, I have travelled from Tortoise and Hooverphonic to Blue States and Boards of Canada and beyond.

So, as I have taken this journey into the ambient/trip-hop/IDM/illbient "post-rock" netherworld, I have noticed something: the names of the bands, the albums and the songs all have a curious sameness about them in their infinite abstract "weirdness" and variety. Consider this selection of track names from the Tortoise album TNT:

I Set My Face to the Hillside
A Simple Way to Go Faster Than Light That Does Not Work
In Sarah, Mencken, Christ, and Beethoven There Were Women and Men
Almost Always Is Nearly Enough

or these album names:

Born into Trouble as the Sparks Fly Upward
He Has Left Us Alone But Shafts of Light Sometimes Grace the Corners of Our Rooms
Slow Riot for New Zero Kanada
Music Has the Right to Children
Goodbye Enemy Airship The Landlord Is Dead
Lift Your Skinny Fists Like Antennas To Heaven

or these band names:

Godspeed You Black Emperor!
The Silver Mt. Zion Memorial Orchestra and Tra-la-la Band
Do Make Say Think
Explosions in the Sky

Don't get me wrong, I love this stuff. But, jeez, could we get some track/album/band names that aren't so, aah, pretentious? That so visibly strive to be "different" and "memorable" that they end up merging into a forgettable sameness?

Maybe like The ABC Song?

IROQ!

Animals, computers, and excrement. Sounds like the makings of a great story to me.

Turns out that monkeys would probably never write a play, let alone a copy of one of Shakespeare's works. Although, they seem to have made their own version of "Urinetown".

Don't dismiss monkeys just yet. A small, tree-climbing, monkey-like animal known as a Luwak does have some interesting uses for its own poop. And people seem to like it.

Got this in email:

"This gave me a chuckle so I thought I would share.

Apparently this kid videotaped himself practicing his Star Wars fighting skills on a school camera and left the tape when he was done. Now the video that he left behind is spreading over the net.

Somebody also did a video with special effects and lightsaber noises that is also pretty fun."

Y0 - w3 ridin d@ PH@T Bu5 to 5k00L!

Further proof of racial profiling. Are you going to try and tell me the police would have stopped the guy if he weren't "an ethnic Albanian from the Serb province of Kosovo". For shame!

Exhuming McCarthy

"Let us not assasinate this lad further, Senator. You've done enough. Have you no sense of decency, sir? At long last, have you left no sense of decency?"

Plane hijacked by terrorists? You're about to crash into a national landmark? Don't want to look, or get an annoying crick in your neck? Try one of these.

Also, while I'm here, more wacky shit from Japan. Strangely, these don't appear on J-List. Yet.

With Mother's day coming don't you think you should pick up the phone and thank your Mom for not abusing you the way these poor slobs were? Don't forget to tell her you love her. We'll wait....

And what could be a better Father's Day gift than one of these?

MAKE.MONEY.FAST!!! (by suing telemarketers)

Is "Inul" Indonesian for "Elvis"?

What's next? The rest of the 50's and 60's? Indonesian Beatles? Tropicalhardwoodstock? Megawati Sukarnoputra's Presidential motorcade arriving in Dealy Plaza, making the slow turn at the triple overpass in front of the Texas School Book Depository?

I'm going to stop now before this turns into a bad Billy Joel song ...

Honda Accord...by Rube Goldberg

You know how most theaters insist that you silence your cell phone before the start of a show? I wouldn't recommend it at this play .

This chap (the one fondling the nymph's ass of brass) is my old school mate Tim Walkup, in Singapore's "Bot"anical Gardens.

He's on his way round the world in the Clipper 2002 race.

Having completed the "third leg" (fnarr fnarr) of the race, they're on leg 4. Leg 6, the final 7,100 mile segment of the odyssey will bring them to New York, where I hope to meet up with Tim, an Original Reprobate from Back In The Day, for the first time in twenty years, some time around the end of August.

"The ridiculous tale of me trying to surrender is a lie made up by the infidel invader. In fact, it is they who are trying surrendering to me!"

He wasn't heavy, that was his brother.

"In a moment we'll take a look at one of the more creative uses I've seen for power tools. But first, let's take a moment to talk about shop safety..."

I think this probably looked like a great idea on paper. No doubt much hilarity would ensue if one tried to, say, get it past airport security. Worst of all though, and somewhat surprising, in the complete absence of visible cameltoe in the accompanying photographs.

The TidalForce ShockTrooper is a high-performance, all-terrain folding electric .... bicycle? ...

This sounds like the joke that ends with the punchline "Answers to the name of Lucky"

News coverage in the UK is different than what we get here in the US.

CNN, for example, by comparison with BBC News, is difficult to watch - flying graphics, a heavily-windowed look and feel (crawler across the bottom of the screen, weather forecasts on the left-hand middle, a story-related graphic in the top left, and a small video area in the top right which incorporates its own graphics, captions, subtitles, etc) and the screaming rock-guitar "War in Iraq" special-news-story theme music.

What's interesting to me is that BBC News and CNN International (which seems to be mostly run out of the UK) share a common, comparatively stripped-down look and feel - a newsreader sitting at a desk, reading from the TelePrompTer, and a single crawler at the bottom of the screen - which is almost the polar opposite of CNN's all-ADD-all-the-time presentation.

The same stylistic differences exist between the web sites, too. Look for example at CNN.com (admittedly restrained by comparison to the TV broadcasts) and news.bbc.co.uk

The funniest difference in coverage that I saw, however, is that former Iraqi "Information" Minister Mohammed Saeed al-Sahhaf is almost universally known in the UK press as "Comical Ali".

This combines more Reprobate interests into one URL than I have seen in a while. Sex, motor vehicles, violence, Freud... the list goes on.

Eric Taziz, the Apple Information Minister:

Q U O T E D

"Do not believe the lies of the PC infidels. The PC chips have not reached 3GHz. It is Apple that is at 3GHz. Our initial assessment is that the PC is still at 250MHz, and we will slaughter Microsoft in the server market and in the home. Our market share is at 90%."

"We are in control. The PC users are in a state of hysteria. They do not even have control over themselves! Do not believe them! Losers, they think that by building fabs and plants and chips and trying to distort the feelings of the people they will win. I think they will not win, those b@stards."

"NO! We have retaken the education market! The infidels attacked the education market but we have killed them all with bullets and shoes. There are NO PCs there. I will take you there to the public schools and show you. IN ONE HOUR!"

Me and the old lady finally got a Prius, but I won't waste your time describing my love for this car. What I will do is share some more information on environmentally friendly fuels...

As great as it would be to power a car on refined fast food waste, it would be even cooler to simply dump all sorts of junk into a machine and create fuel in an environmentally friendly way. Heck, according to this article, if a 175-pound man fell into one end of a machine like this, "he would come out the other end as 38 pounds of oil, 7 pounds of gas, and 7 pounds of minerals, as well as 123 pounds of sterilized water".

"Sex in a Palace and Sex on the Street--the Taste is the Same" - does your religion tell you things like this?

Mind you, the same dissertation also contains the following pearls of wisdom:

"You'll find the bats, they are hanging down the head, and they're passing stool. Sometimes man also does so, when there is strangulation. That is very dangerous disease. What is called? Intestine strangulation. Then passing stool through the mouth. In Bengal sometimes they curse, "You'll pass stool through the mouth!" Yes, sometimes they do. Sometimes they eat through the rectum. Do you know that?"

and

"You are thinking that I will be very much happy if I enjoy sex like the dog."

So - get this - not only do the Hare Krishnas know the ins and outs of oral & doggie style, they'll also tell you to eat shit & die. Now that's a religion I can get behind!

Is this for real? If so, it could qualify for the title of Coolest Software Ever. All it would need is for some bright spark to make it into a worm and everyone's computer woes would be over ... forever ... Bill Gates forced into abject poverty ... Steve Ballmer forced to look for work as an open source (altogether now) "developer, developer, developer, developer ..."

If a company is listed on FuckedCompany, where would you expect to find its help wanted ads? Why, FuckThatJob of course!

More worrying than the PANC article Ken linked to is their actual site - newamericancentury.org. Plenty of insight into what key members of the Bush administration really want out of the Iraq conflict and beyond. Even their statement of principles basically says "We won the cold war, there's no-one out there left to stop us, let's remodel the world our way."

I own a modified '92 Land Cruiser. It has lockers, bigger springs and tyres, a big fuck-off winch on the front and the mother of all rear bumpers.

I like to take it off-road. Get it muddy. Get it stuck. Use the hi-lift jack. Break out the winch, hook up the snatch straps, and get it unstuck.

Now, here's the question - did that little description get you all hot and bothered? Yes? No? Either way, check this out ...

Project for a New American Century - via Brainwoofer

One thing leads to another.

Death squads? Ha ha! Hostages? Funny stuff, no? Torture! Stop it, you're killing me ...

Netflix seems to think so.

I can't believe someone actually named a model of sports wheelchair "The SpaZz". Joey!

Time traveller makes killing on the stock market, gets caught, reports Weekly World News

A popular middle-eastern dish from Weight Watchers of Iraq? Actually, there are plenty of other unappealing recipes from Weight Watchers circa 1974 on this site.

Whitehouse.org (see link in previous article - PRESIDENT'S STATEMENT etc) and Jason's psychedelicrepublicans.com are actually both productions of the same outfit - Chickenhead Productions. There's all sorts of goodness to be had there!

PRESIDENT'S STATEMENT REMINDING UPPITY IRAQASAURS TO LOSE THE INFERIOR ARABIAC PRIDE, SMILE PRETTY FOR THE CAMERAS, AND OPEN WIDE THE DOORS TO CHRISTIAN JDAMS OF FREEDOM

AskJeeves? Why bother? Jeeves don't know shit. Get on the AnswerBus instead.

Dog Island (WTF?). An island where you can send your dog to be a real dog. Some choice quotes:

• "Every now and then some dogs gang up and kill and then eat another dog, but this is just natural, and it's okay for it to happen now and then"


• "We apologize to not offer this to poor people but it takes an enormous amount of money to afford this type of beauty"

The Director of Imports is someone named Soong Lee. Anyone know if that's a Korean name, and this is just a big front for his other business, "DogBBQ.com"?

Aussie newpaper The Age claims that the U.S. used napalm in Iraq - a banned weapon of mass destruction. The Pentagon denies this, saying that it removed napalm from it's arsenal in 2001. Apparently, it sold it all to these guys. Interestingly, this article from theSchmews (a satire site) claims the U.S. never ratified the law preventing it's use.

One of these three links is to a true news story, the other two are links from previous Reprobates postings. See if you can guess which is which!

1) Kim Jong Il Unfolds Into Giant Robot
2) National Guardsman Changes Name To "Optimus Prime"
3) Voltron's Office of Homeland Security Is In The Heeeeeouse!

Holiday home swap available. Reeeaally available. You have to wonder about the area description though...

Shock and Awe.

Lyndon LaRouche may be mad as a hatter but this makes for, ahh, interesting reading nonetheless.

This just in from all the major news organizations on Operation Iraqi Liberation (uh - doesn't that spell OIL?) - we don't know anything yet. Stay tuned for more information we don't have, more details we're waiting for, and more rehashing of the fact that we don't know anything yet. Don't go awa

Get YOUR war on (again, or still, depending on your viewpoint).

An alternative to becoming a human shield in Iraq, should you want to get "obliterated".

Axis of Weasel: your online guide to the Newspeak for Gulf Wars: Part II.

If Good Eats (host, fan page, book)
were a cartoon, it would be Deep Fried Live.

If this had happened in Cameroon, maybe their Government would be considering a ban by now ...

Strangely, this is not the origin of the expression "taking the piss".

Fall down, go boom - redux.

Incidentally, I haven't seen it yet, but I'm waiting for some hapless US media scribe to refer to this thing as "the world's biggest conventional weapon ever". I probably won't have to wait long as not only is "The US The Greatest Country The World Has Ever Seen" but "Fifty Years Is A Very Long Time". These statements notwithstanding, the WWII "Grand Slam" designed by Barnes Wallis was not only bigger (and, at 22,000lb, therefore much badderer), but it wasn't even American.

Think about this for a second - this bomb was used 58 years ago. It was so big (over 26 feet long, and almost 4 feet in diameter) it had to be strapped under the belly of a specially-modified Lancaster bomber. Dropped from an altitude of 12,000 feet, this thing would attain almost supersonic velocity before it hit the ground and could penetrate up to 15 feet of reinforced concrete before the eleven-second delay fuze detonated the 9,500 lbs of Torpex inside the chrome-moly steel shell ...

No wonder they called these things "earthquake bombs" ...

Dave, thanks for that touching tribute to the late, great Mr Rogers. I thought it was very classy, very understated, nicely done, and I'm sure Mr Rogers will be sorely missed by many millions of American kids who grew up watching his show.

Now, that said, and bearing in mind this is the Reprobates blog, I do have to ask:

Did Mr Rogers creep anyone else out, or was it just me? Wasn't there a lascivious twinkle in his eyes as he undid his cardigan? Did he strike anyone else as looking like a child molester?

OK, so now I've sullied the memory of a dear old man, perhaps you'd care to ponder this: Men who look like Kenny Rogers - dot com.

It's a beautiful day in this neighborhood,
A beautiful day for a neighbor.
Would you be mine?
Could you be mine?...

It's a neighborly day in this beauty wood,
A neighborly day for a beauty.
Would you be mine?
Could you be mine?...

I've always wanted to have a neighbor just like you.
I've always wanted to live in a neighborhood with you.

So, let's make the most of this beautiful day.
Since we're together we might as well say:
Would you be mine?
Could you be mine?
Won't you be my neighbor?
Won't you please,
Won't you please?
Please won't you be my neighbor?

Fred Rogers, 1928-2003

Think yo kids ain't fly? Give them the headstart they need, brutha.

In case you find the current US administration a bit bland take a look at these new trading cards sure to brighten any dull political convention.

Acid sold separately.

Kansas - where crime doesn't pay quite as well. I wonder if they get a 401K?

Ted Molczan - "thorn in the NRO's side", and "satisfied electrolysis consumer". I have in my mind's eye an image of a hairless satellite-watcher that just won't go away ...

I have no idea what I just said.

I lost count of the number times I said "Wow" out loud while reading this article about elves, sprites & blue jets, infrasound (and more here), and the Space Shuttle that, in the reversal of the normal sequence of events, apparently did a "go boom, fall down". I also went "wow" several more times while reading this article about ACE, and SOHO, and the ill-fated Space Shuttle, and an apparent large shockwave in the solar wind, and the fact that these satellites orbit ... nothing at all. Well, actually, they orbit Lagrange or libration points, but thems ain't physical objects. See? Wow. And former Shuttle astronaut Tammy Jernigan (who apparently transported the now-famous photo purporting to show a purple corkscrew lightning-bolt thing to NASA in Houston) even got in on the act with a "Wow" of her own in this article that may or may not ultimately debunk the phenonemon that may, or may not, have been photographed as Columbia passed over San Francisco.

I'm in Tokyo. It's an interesting place. I've been pondering the nature of souvenirs. I came to the conclusion that the really interesting souvenirs are not the things that are typically (perhaps stereotypically) Japanese, such as rice paper wood block prints (ukiyo-e) or Hakata dolls, since, because of their fundamentally iconic association with Japan, every time some random gallery or antique shop wants to represent "Japaneseness", these are the very things they'll offer you. Consequently, bring home one of these (admittedly, although conventionally, attractive) items and your home will resemble nothing so much as the local Pier 1 Imports.

So, what to bring home as a reminder of your time in far-away places? Toiletries. Candy. Matchbooks. Flyers. Brochures. In other words, the ephemera of daily living. Why? I think that the answer lies in there very ordinariness - these items are too inconsequential, pointless, or just plain goofy for any trend-following importer of Japaniana to bother with.

Having said this, of course, some kind soul will surely send me the URL to these very items on J-List, which I will promptly ignore, fuck you very much.

Finally, since I'm here for work, I have now visited a couple of IBM offices in Tokyo and was very surprised when my chaperon handed me a small packet of tissues before I went to the bathroom. Apparently, IBM (and most other large companies) have stopped providing paper towels to their employees as a cost-saving measure (yes, I know - IBM haven't quite stooped to this level yet, but you get the idea).

Help! I've been infected by <insert worm name here>

Stoopid things people do to their PCs. My favourite? The guy who has not one, but two Visa cards stuck in his floppy drive.

In response to Cameron, an iPod hack for those Microsoft lovers out there.

...since I appear to be on a bit of posting rampage these past couple of days, here's one for Ian. Should you ever want your iPod to do more than just play music, here's a guy who has ported it to Linux. It doesn't actually DO anything, mind you, but it's still "supremely cool".

The NEW IBM. Bottom right...

Harking back to Jason's post of a couple of days ago, here is a more light-hearted look at Dubya's REAL agenda... I should be careful, though, lest you guys never let me in your country again.

Ever wondered if that sexual position was actually possible? Well now's your chance to find out without risking your neck...

This is NOT repeat NOT from abovetopsecret.com.

In a project known as “Acoustic Kitty” the [CIA's] Directorate of Science and Technology sought to train a surgically altered cat, wired with transmitting and control devices, to become a mobile, eavesdropping platform. In its first test, the cat was run over by a taxi.

According to Victor Marchetti:

they slit the cat open, put batteries in him, wired him up. The tail was used as an antenna. 

They made a monstrosity. They tested him and tested him. They found he would walk off 

the job when he got hungry, so they put another wire in to override that. Finally, they’re ready. 

They took it out to a park bench and said “Listen to those two guys. Don’t listen to anything 

else – not the birds, no cat or dog – just those two guys!” ... They put him out of the van, 

and a taxi comes and runs him over. There they were, sitting in the van with all those dials, 

and the cat was dead!

This heavily redacted memo appears to express the view that cats can be altered and trained to perform certain tasks. At the same time, it notes that “the environment and security factors in using this technique in a real foreign situation force us to conclude that, for our [intelligence] purposes, it would not be practical.”

Now you too can have the enlightening wisdom of George W Bush at you fingertips every day of the year.

I am fascinated by the idea of going "off-the-grid" and powering things with alternative fuels. I am most interested in "clean" and renewable fuels for automobiles. I'd love to buy the CNG (compressed natural gas) version of the Honda Civic, but those losers over at Honda America are only making it available to companies interested in purchasing fleet vehicles. Anyone interested in forming a company?

In the meantime, the Prius will have to do, even though it is really as low-end as it gets in regards to alternative fuel technology. Sure, its the only thing truly available to consumers, but if I was a little more adventurous, I'd buy a diesel VW and power it with homemade biofuels. Yes, I know that sounds mildly disgusting. It reminds me of the scene in Red Dawn when the kids are all urinating into the radiator of the pick-up truck to make up for a coolant leak. But, I am talking about driving down the road and leaving nothing but the sweet scent of french fries in the air.

This just in...the fantasy of many young men has come true!

Got a spare Saab? Sauna!

Just in case you ever need to obfuscate a swear-word insult (why, I'm not sure), but somebody called me this the other day, and I'm not sure what it was. Now I do, and I can in turn, insult all of you asshats.

Kim Jong Il Unfolds Into Giant Robot

Firefighters free handcuffed woman in lingerie shop

abovetopsecret.com is an interesting repository of all kinds of documents, all supposedly "above top secret". Some of them are plain kooky (like this stuff about the Omega Agency or the aliens in Dulce, NM), but others seemingly offer tantalizing glimpses of the technology behind the Government's impishly named "Unacknowledged Programs".

Here, for example, is a news article from a highly respected source: the BBC. And here is an article from ats.c that might be about the same technology.

Bob Hope's nose.

This is not an optical illusion - it just looks like one. Didn't work for me, though. I took a good, long, hard look at the picture and never did see the alleged "boat". I did see somewhere to park a bicycle though ...

I am a big fan of Get Your War On. You've got to love things like this:

Periodic table of haikus. Incidentally, this link and the previous one came from the message forum of British Squad, who are apparently play something called Trench Wars, which in turn is part of Subspace/Continuum which is a product of the Free Software movement which is ... oh, never mind.

Longtime Reprobates readers are surely aware of our collective fascination with heavy machinery. Even better than heavy machinery, though, is pictures of heavy machinery accidents.

Looking for an adventure holiday that is truly unique. Why not visit all the entrances to Hell in the UK?

Check out my new personal favo(u)rite site (or shordurperfav, in the original Tibetan): The Stranger.

I have been waiting for at least a year now, but it looks like e-sheep is never going to finish the Apocamon. So, if you too have been patiently waiting the next installment, you might want to entertain yourself by creating your very own holy terror. You can take it even further and live out your own version of the End Times. Just get yourself a PS2, a copy of Unreal Tournament 2003, and the Bible Blood Bath Christian Map Pack. All of this is thanks to those righteous folks over at Landover Baptist Church.

Evil has a name. It's Guthy-Renker. And a website. And a fabulous line of celebrity-endorsed cosmetic products! And an exclusive line of hi-larious set of Dean Martin celebrity roast videos!

Actually, I've been mulling over the name Guthy-Renker since it first seared itself onto my eyeballs when I was browsing late-night (or is that late-nite?) TV listings. There, in the wee small hours of the morning on Discovery or TLC or one of those channels, was those famous paired names. The first thing that struck me was, and I quote verbatim from memory: whatthefuck? There was no program description, just that mysterious pair of bisyllabic names. The second thing I thought was: G-uh-thy? G-oo-thy? G-uh-dhy? G-oo-dhy? How do you pronounce it? Does it rhyme with "toothy", or with the way a chronic lisp-sufferer would pronounce "fussy"? Does it even maybe rhyme with booth-y (as in "Man, it stinks of stale urine in here - like a public phone booth. Yeah, that's it. Kinda boothy") with a hard "th".

So, as if that weren't enough, I was at the in-laws over the Xmas break, and laughing myself silly (well, I was chuckling on the inside, anyway), poring over the videos stashed under their living room TV. You know the stuff - exactly what you'd expect unhip 60-something Americans to have - a tape from the Mickey Gilley Theater in Branson, Missouri, some random Alan Jackson video (or maybe it was some other hat act - I don't recall), and - gasp - "Bob Hope Entertains Eleven Presidents!" (yes, it was a bukkake video) Anyway, I'm looking at the back of the BHEEP tape and then I see it ... Guthy-Renker!

So - they are polluting the late-night air waves with their cult transmissions, they're putting white, sticky cream on the faces of America's women of a certain age (see, it is bukkake), and they are washing whatever remains of my in-laws brains with their video pap.

Maybe it's time for Bush to put up or shut up regarding his doctrine of pre-emption and strike at GRC before they acquire weapons of mass destruction. Oh, wait, too late.

Congratulations, Shaun & Sarah, and welcome, Aidan. A word of advice: your mother spent several hours pushing you out of the thing you're going to spend the rest of your life trying to get back into. Also, you're probably not going to get nipples thrust into your open mouth quite this regularly again, so make the most of it. Finally, for the next year or two, your public manipulation of yer meat-n-two-veg will be looked upon as "cute" and "funny". Don't be misled, kid. Soon enough, society will turn on you and the words "indecent exposure" will take on a certain significance ...

Shaun: I looked at the pictures - cute kid. Only question - who's the ugly-looking motherfucker with the beard and the ponytail who's hanging round your kid? I wouldn't let him near my kids ...

Finally, the ObLink: Black People Love Us! And it's easy to see why.

Guys, I had a little fiddle around with the template for the blog and added some buttons. What d'ya reckon? Let me know

All, please say Hi to a brand new reprobate - Aidan Phillip Lowry, who joined us at 5:35am on the 28th of December. Oh, and Happy New Year!