Thursday, November 29, 2001

Face it, we've all wanted to know what it is like to have breasts. Well boyz, this is a step in the right direction. Check out Anna's Chest (the movie behind it)... consider it training material.
This month's "Most Gullible" award goes jointly to John Simpson of the BBC (he who liberated Kabul) and Anthony Lloyd of The Times of London. They managed to mistake a 1979 spoof from the Journal of Irreproducible Results discovered in a bunker in Kabul for genuine instructions on building an atom bomb. To quote Anthony Lloyd:

"The vernacular quickly spun out of my comprehension but there were phrases through the mass of chemical symbols and physics jargon that anyone could understand, including notes on how the detonation of TNT compresses plutonium into a critical mass producing a nuclear chain reaction and eventually a thermo-nuclear reaction."

I doubt this puppet has quite the mainstream TV career ahead of it that Basil Brush had. Still, it would have made an interesting new womyn's role model character on Fingerbobs...
Ho, ho, ho, little girl. Now scratch my sacks...

Monday, November 26, 2001

An amazing analysis on dumb weapons.
Now that Thanksgiving is behind us (since even those among us with the very slowest of digestive tracts have by now surely processed and put behind us our share of the estimated half a trillion calories consumed on National Turkey Day), let's consider a couple of alternatives to turkey for consideration next year. For the record, in the Stewart household, we had steak, but for those who are traditional enough not to want to rule out fowl play, I offer for your consideration the turducken. If that's not sufficiently different, then let me offer instead this tasty morsel.
If a dog is a man's best friend, I'd rather have enemies like these.

Sunday, November 25, 2001

I'm sorry. The Tourist Guy made me do it.

Wednesday, November 21, 2001

Just do it.
If my gonads had not been so closely linked to my adolescent strife, I might have had the balls to do this when I was in high school.
Yes, Halloween has passed. But, this is too scary to wait until next year.
This just in: As the B-52's continue to pound K{a|o|u}nduz, hoping to force the Taliban into submission with their trademark campy retro-hip sounds and humorous lyrics, singers Fred Schneider and Kate Pierson are reportedly "bearing up quite well, thank you" despite the near-impossibility of obtaining the requisite wine coolers & industrial-size cans of hairspray. The B-52's, who flew in from their base in Athens, GA, have conducted huge numbers of sorties in support of the Northern Alliance's ground campaign against the embattled Taliban. This is nothing new, of course, for the B-52's who, in the course of their work, frequently "roam around the world".
This just in: Tired of criticism over the shifting vowel forms in English transliterations of Pashto and Dari-language place-names, which has resulted in the name of the city in northern Afghanistan being variously rendered as Konduz, Kunduz, and Kanduz, the International Society of Translators today issued a statement condemning their detractors as "u bonch uf cants whu con jost fack uff".
This just in: One early result of the high-level meeting between White House adviser Karl Rove and various Hollywood execs is a new star vehicle for rubber-faced comedian Jim Carrey about the fall of Afghanistan's capital. The movie gives us a parodying look inside the crumbling Taliban, with the windmill-armed humorist known for his wild-eyed mugging for the camera playing the role of the vanquished Taliban local leader. The movie is to be called "Kabul Guy".

Monday, November 19, 2001

Sure, there are plenty of lowlifes out there who have used 9/11 as another opportunity to scam people out of their money. But, not surprisingly, the one that looks the most innocent is often the most guilty.
The worst job in singapore

I'll never complain about my job again....

Monday, November 12, 2001

At 3,900 rounds per minute, the Lockheed-Martin 30 mm GAU-8/A seven-barrel Gatling gun (ex-"GE Minigun") in the Fairchild A-10 Thunderbolt (aka the Warthog) has long held the record for the greatest rate of fire of any currently-deployed firearm.

All that will change, however, if a small Australian company gets its way ... it's right there on the front page - Mike O'Dwyer's machine gun design which has no moving parts offers a "variable rate of fire confirmed to one million rounds per minute".

A conventional machine gun delivers its rounds spaced about 300 feet apart. The Metalstorm's rounds depart the muzzle a mere 4 inches apart.
I bet the most sought-after one is Bin Laden...
Finally, something overtakes porn for sheer bandwidth abuse...

Friday, November 02, 2001

Following yesterday's surprise announcement, Turkey continues to prove itself an unexpectedly staunch ally.

I propose we show our solidarity with our Turkish brethren by choosing to eat something else on Thanksgiving (or Christmas, for Brits). Say, kebabs? No, wait ... how about MRE's? Turkish delight?
This just in: On the considered advice of Homeland Security Doofus Tom "Oak" Ridge, FedEx amends the wording on their mailers from "Do not enclose blood or diagnostic samples" to read "Do not enclose blood, diagnostic samples, or anthrax spores. Please".

Tom "Blue" Ridge is reported to be taking a well-earned four-day vacation to recover from "nervous tension" after this concerted effort.
Scum of the Earth:

  1. Estate Agents (Realtors)

  2. Recruitment Consultants

  3. Beer Bandits

Thursday, November 01, 2001

Fear the dolphin.
Been doing some coding recently, and wanted to share a quotation I came across long ago in The Psychology of Computer Programming by Gerard M. Weinberg:

Last among the essential personality traits for programming, we might

add a sense of humor. The computer "Doth make fools of us all," so
that any fool without the ability to share a laugh on himself will be
unable to tolerate programming for long. It has been said with great
perspicacity that the programmer's national anthem is "AAAAHHHH!"
Then we finally see the light, we see how once again we have fallen
into some foolish assumption, some oafish practice, or some witless
blunder. Only by singing the second stanza "Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha," can we
long endure the role of clown.
This just in: Italy surrenders to the Taliban "just in case".