Some classic reprobates fodder. Meet Ted R. Kurts. He set up Quest.com, a "successful" software company. Then he got religion, or rather, religion got him. Apparently, he's the second coming and is busy writing the Third Testament. Clearly, he's been canvassing opinions up there and there are some pretty strong opinions on love and sex. Apparently, the Spiritual LightSide "definitely does not like sperm rubbed on them." Reminds me of a time when Ken killed a conversation by interjecting with "Ever tasted your own?" By Chapter 9, however, he's on a SubGenius-esque roll:

"1. TJCG is saying that Moses was allowed to have a wife and yet for Ted it was that Ted has now been made COMPLETELY CELIBATE and that HE cannot have a wife or a Female anymore and of almost anything that has been DONE to HIM this makes HIM probably the most UPSET and WHY? Ted we did not want you to get married again because through her Satan or Devil and Demons could TEAR YOU APART again and she would take you for half and in a divorce this could really be a problem for you again and she would FIGHT you for CUSTODY of the children again and therefore you cannot get married again we think and you cannot have a or many Females because then you would be fornicating and this would cause you to be Dragged to the DarkSide and DESTROYED ENORMOUSLY now! TJCG is saying that HE is SACRIFICING and is getting TORMENTED and has been PERSECUTED and therefore the Spiritual LightSide or Good Spirits or Hosts that are in Ancient Heaven that are on HIS Side had better make HIS life COUNT while on World Earth and what is their PLAN for that? Ted we have been and are TRYING to make this count and we are going to work harder with the Christians and this is TRUE!"

Anyway, on the bright side once you get to heaven, sex will be great!